


Irreconcilable Differences

by Cousin Shelley (CousinShelley)



Category: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Genre: Gen, Yuletide Treat
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-25
Updated: 2014-12-25
Packaged: 2018-03-03 13:51:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 673
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2853107
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CousinShelley/pseuds/Cousin%20Shelley
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Crow and Tom Servo need Mike's help. Again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Irreconcilable Differences

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Elfwreck](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elfwreck/gifts).



> Thank you for the prompt. I couldn't resist.

Mike ran full speed toward the shouts.

“Mike! _Oh my god, Mike_ , come quick!” Crow’s voice was frantic, but that could be anything from a toasted cheese sandwich with one corner slightly darker than the others to the entire shutdown of life-support on the Satellite of Love. Mike had no idea what he’d find.

He stood, panting, in front of the hatch that led to the theater, where he was sure Crow’s shouts had come from. A small blue object rolled slowly across the counter. He picked it up. “Hmm. Gumball.”

“No, I told you that I was never going to sign such an insulting--oh, hey, Mike.” Crow seemed much calmer now.

“What were you shouting about? I came running, and you know how I hate to run.”

“Sorry, Mike, it’s just that Tom and I were playing, and . . . .”

While Crow explained, Mike popped the blue gumball into his mouth and chewed.

Crow screamed. That was definitely his bloody murder scream. Mike grabbed his mouth and held it shut.

“Stop! Now calmly tell me what’s going on.”

“Okay. See. Tom and I, oh, where _is_ he?”

“He’s back here!” Gypsy shouted. “And he’s making a damn mess!” She was clearly in one of her moods.

Tom appeared behind Crow, his dome half full of blue gumballs. He coughed, and one bounced across the counter. “Sorry.”

Mike stopped chewing.

“Okay, so you see, Tom and I were playing ‘Celebrity Marriage,’ and on the wedding night he accused me of cheating with the android who operated the chocolate fountain at the reception, and so then I pointed out that he hadn’t danced with me once and hadn’t even complimented my dress and--”

“ _Crow_. Just tell me what led to your actual shouting.”

“Well he said that I’d put on a few pounds since the wedding and I got angry and told him that I’d forged the prenup and that I thought our nanny might by an undercover CIA agent and he said none of that mattered and that it had been months and we hadn’t consummated the marriage and I said no and . . . and . . . .”

Crow titled his head back and wailed. “And then he said I--I-- _I gave him blue balls_.”

Mike spit blue gum into his hand and gagged.

“Crow’s only telling you part of the story, Mike. You see, I--” Tom coughed, and a blue gumball bounced across the counter. “Sorry. He played video games all day while I was at work and our five-year-old--” Another blue ball shot out of Tom’s mouth as he coughed again. “--he’s still in diapers because Crow is so busy taking tennis lessons and playing Tetris--”  

Three balls bounced across the counter as Tom coughed and then sneezed. “You see, I--”

“Okay, I’ve heard enough.” Mike held up his hands.

“But how do we consummate it so they’ll go away?” Crow wailed. “Oh my God, where’s my fainting couch. I just can’t take it anymore.”

Mike grabbed Tom’s dome and gently twisted to protests of _okay, ouch, wait a minute, take it easy, just--I--what--_  He popped the top off and poured the gumballs into the trash, then replaced the dome and waited.

“I’m cured!” Tom hovered in a circle and waved his arms. “Cured, I say!”

“There,” Mike said. “ _All_ consummated.”

“Oh, thank God.” Crow shook his head. “If we’d gotten an annulment he wouldn’t have to pay me alimony.”

“You’re not going to get one red cent, you . . . you golddigger!” Tom shook with fury.

“Bad provider!” Crow said, turning his back to Tom and walking away.

“ _Messy housekeeeeperrrr_!” Tom raced after Crow, their insults fading as they made their way into another part of the ship.

Mike looked at Cambot. “‘Celebrity Marriage’ must be kind of a long game. Like Monopoly, but with more lawyers and broken Commandments.”

He shrugged. “ _Ugh_.” Mike wiped at his tongue with his fingers, spitting and coughing, as he headed back to his bunk. “One of these days I’ve _got_ to teach those bots to play cards.”


End file.
